30th March' 2014

Went for GO-Kart! it was fun! And I believe and truly believe that I'm not born to be able to drive. I realize how afraid am I of getting into accident and spoiling shits. I was told by Jie fu that I drive too slow that's its funny. Maybe I had lost my courage at the tiniest thing in life. Maybe I had always pretended to be brave and strong. Like right now how I ended up to be. Even if I cry, I cannot cry much. There is no outlet. I made my announcement to Song Wei and Ken that I had broken up with Sheikh the words seemed hard to come out from my mouth. I find it unbelievable. 

I thought about Leslie today too and brushed that damning thought away. I know I'm not ready. And in some ways I think I fucked things up. Then again, there will never be anyone for me. Just not for a girl like me. I know that I'm right about this kinda things. Especially about the pessimistic side of things. At times I wished I would be right about the positive ones. And be proven wrong. Everything seems so impossible. Then again good things don't happen to girl like me. And one day I hope I can learn to be ok with it.

I want to be happy. It seems like life's impossible desire for me. Maybe its like what the Tarot deck says my heart and mind should be one. The other must not be stronger than the latter. This is a long journey ahead but at least I'm at somewhere at the beginning point without him. Maybe I haven't tried harder. And I'll try even harder as each day starts. Maybe, just maybe next week I'll be happier.